duelingbeggar

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:31:49 GMT

It's funny how packed OUGL is when it's the night before finals week. It's normally relatively empty, and now you can hardly find a place. I get defensive almost, reacting harshly in my mind to those people who obviously never set foot in here any other time of the year. "This is my space," I think, "not your sorority ass that can't find its way here any other time of the year."

I had an old lady today tell me not to be poetic. It was sort of depressing, although it did happen as she was giving me a free piece of apple crumb cake in the lobby after our concert today, so maybe it wasn't the time/place for poetics.

However, she seemed to imply that the offering of free food was to common for artistic expression. It was such a simple action, handing the food to me, and one she probably performed hundreds of times that evening. (Or dozens. I really have no idea how successful these crumb cakes were.) But shouldn't every instance of giving be deserving of praise? And of art? And of poetry? I mean, she offered sustenance to me--she gave me food when I was hungry. It's a really common thing, I know, but think how incredible that is. My body was in the process of going into starvation mode, and she facilitated the slowing of that progress. How amazing is that?

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 17:50:57 GMT

I'm writing inspirational-less right now, so if I seem trivial--well, that's why.

It's snowing (sort of) right now. Or rather, it was just a few minutes ago. One of those sad, straining Seattle snows that makes the out-of-towner in line at Starbuck's sneer amiably at our wonder. There's a minute when I think it will actually stick, forgetting the precedence set by many years of disappionted hopes. From the speakers the Decembrists hang their heads low. I think I like them because of his voice. It's honest, and rough in the good way. The snow has stopped now, and we're left with only that dull grey sludge hanging over us, mildly oppressive.

I notice a girl who was supposed to be in the scene we performed for the final of the Directing class. I think this deserves a smile, a slight "hello," and a wave. For a while, I've been thinking of drawing up a chart, listing all the people I know and the greeting I would currently use upon encountering them. Of course, that also depends on the situation in which the meeting takes place. For instance, if Tara (the name of this girl) walks by me as I'm at my computer, apparently working, I can wave as she moves past, and that will be all. If, on the other hand, I get up to use the bathroom, as I'm now feeling I have to, I will pass her at the counter, and will have to stop to say "How are you?" etc.

It's a funny word "etc." It's even abbreviated--as if we are emphasizing the fact that we're simply to busy and have too much to say to bother finishing the word that, in its definition, declares there is more to the subject that we can't address right now. It's overbearing. I'm going to start asking people what is behind their "etc."s. Maybe it'll be a fun experiment in the psychology of language. I wonder how many people actually know what the "etc." is filling in for, and how many just find themselves at a lack of words to express themselves. "Well, you know...etc." I'm definitely a victim of the latter. It's very rare that I use "etc." actually knowing how I was going to finish the sentence.

It is ten minutes to 10:00, and I have a bus to catch. To Tacoma, today! After that: a concert. After that: the end of studying (wish me luck). The homestretch. The up-til-4 night. The energy drink-driven night. Etc.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 19:51:51 GMT

I definitely just cited "Legally Blonde: the Musical" in my Trans/Gender Queries paper.

I'm pretty sure I should get a 4.0 just for that.

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 22:13:13 GMT

I love writing. I love taking all the stuff we've read and synthesizing it into a new argument. I love being able to share the thoughts that I have with people. I love thoughts in general.

And the subject matter is inescapable, too; what I'm writing about has a direct impact on my life. I actually feel like I am getting a lot out of this writing.

Anyway, here I am in Suzzallo, getting an hour of writing in before going off to practice for Figgy Pudding. And of course, later tonight I'll be here again. I really yet haven't had a nice, long sit in Suzzallo just to work. Which I really want, because I hate having my flow of ideas interrupted. Constantly having to review what I wrote the day before gets old quickly.

In other news, the scene went well today in the directing class. It was sort of awkward because our last-minute replacement Wife still had her script in hand (understandable since yesterday was the first time she'd ever looked at it). But the audience seemed to find it at least a little funny, and the ending mini-monologue that always felt so awkward actually felt all right today. It wasn't until yesterday during rehearsal that I even was able to assign an action to what I was saying. It was so incredibly frustrating and I felt like my castmates were snickering at my unorganized delivery. Ugh. I hate not having an objective. And it was a good chunk of text that I delivered with absolutely no idea what the hell I was trying to do. Painful. Painful painful painful to do. It was giving me hella grief, even after the last rehearsal, because I still had a couple lines within it that I was confused about. Then, as I was brushing my teeth, I had an epiphany where I completely realized what the HELL this character was trying to do. It was partly just a matter of realizing who he was addressing in the last scene, and I was so excited that I stopped brushing my teeth in mid-stroke. It was a good discovery.

This quarter is coming to a good close, though. My last psych test was today (I got an 88 on it, which isn't as good as I hoped I'd do, considering how much time I spent rewriting my notes). If I guessed correctly how many response papers I didn't turn in, I should get out of that class well enough. So...good.

I'm also feeling way more psyched about the Psychology major (pun sooo intended) than I was earlier in the year--I think I actually will complete the major. And the drama major. I think I made the right choice. I really want to work with kids, though, too. At some point. We'll see what we can do about that.

All right, I have work to do. In the immortal words of Lauren Shaw: "Aiiight, latah!"

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 09:34:54 GMT

This quarter is getting closer and closer to ending, living high in the moment in which I find myself scared for finals and freaking out over papers. But this quarter is different. You see, it's Wednesday right now. And I just got done looking through a few articles from my WS class for quotes I want to mention in my paper. My paper that is due Monday. I'm working ahead. My God, I'm working ahead! This may be the first "i'm jeff i'm doing a paper and avoiding post" that actually isn't based on me avoiding work. Instead, I'm writing to say I'm actually sort of enjoying the process. I feel oddly relaxed with this quarter's end. Relatively little stress, and a general feeling of optimism. This may be the best feeling I've ever had going into finals week.

The intersection of my enjoying this WS class and my never-before working ahead has really made this a good experience. I feel I'm actually being productive in writing this paper, not just seeing how far I have to crawl through the anus of my brain to find shit worthy of pulling out and handing in. It's just weird for me to feel so much motivation to produce good work for a class like this--or rather, not to feel motivation, but to let that motivation actually work itself into my behavior. I always want to write well, but I usually leave it for so long that I end up spewing out a complete embarassment.

I just feel really good about this quarter ending. In the "you were such a full quarter I'll be glad to see you go" way, but also in the "I know I did my best to succeed this quarter" kind of way. Which is what I've always wanted.

This is so weird.

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 08:11:44 GMT

Day two of the Weekend from Hell is about to end in five minutes. Yes, dear everybody, it is 11:55 on a tired Sunday night. My Women Studies paper remains in the rambles of beginning outlines and my list of quotes and ideas remains scattered throughout 5 pages, broken up by page breaks and paragraph signs. I would sigh and say "If only I had but one more day," but we've all heard that song before. What frustrates me is that I really do need just one more day to do this. I'm in a good "need one more day to finish" place right now with it. Initially, I was just so overwhelmed with the amount of information that could potentially go into this prompt:

"This five page paper, due on November 5th, should examine the themes of oppression and resistance in the medical establishments centralizing the perspectives of those affected most directly--their patients. Drawing on the materials assigned for the second unit of the class and using specific examples, analyze how poewr and agency play out in gender non-conformist people's daily lives and their negotiations with medical institutions. Synthesize differing positions on access to surgical interventions, with the importance of consent, class, and race figuring prominently."

What's odd is that I feel constrained by it, but at the same time overwhelmed with the possibilities of all the material we've read. Not to mention I still feel like we're all (in the class) going to be citing the same articles, the same quotes, same figures--same results. If all we're doing is drawing on the material, I feel like all I'm going to end up doing is reciting what the authors of the reading material found in their own course of writing. And if I try to find anything new--well that's pretty much moot anyway because this is such a huge subject. It covers so much ground and the articles are so varied that I don't even know where to start. I finally decided to settle on a few main topics:

1. The "old" medical paradigm concerning intersex infants
2. The "new" paradigm
3. Diagnosis of transsexuals by doctors and the subsequent decpetion sometimes necessary to receive surgery
4. The question of whether we can continue with a binary gender system.

Problems include:
A. There is so much shit I don't know. I keep trying to write intelligent sentences, and nothing comes out sounding right. And it is really just highlighting how ignorant I am. And that's frustrating because I have read so much for this class, and I still feel ignorant. I can't even remember which articles had quotes I wanted to use; I drown in all the material.
B. I keep messing up the spelling of paradigm. I want to spell it "paradighm." Typing the "h" just comes so naturally after the "g."

Anyway, it's officially Monday now. My paper is due today. People write entire books on this prompt. I'm writing five pages. And I'm overwhelmed. Cool.
I think a good way for me to look at this though is just as if it were one of our weekly responses that we do at the beginning of each class. See, each day our teacher, Amanda, puts up a prompt on the board that relates to that week's readings, and we just write for fifteen minutes. Maybe that's the kind of free-flowing writing that will help me get this done. Before 3:00, preferably.

All right, much as I don't want to. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I get to sleep.

Although I have to mention: UW Drama has a musical theatre class. I'm totally auditioning for it on Tuesday.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 07:59:36 GMT

I have to take one more break from studying right now (like my third in the last half hour). I've been studying since 2:30 in the afternoon, taking breaks for dinner, will and grace, and occasionally just cause I felt like it. However, it is indeed now ten to one, and I've gotten a lot done.

But today--today I realized how wonderful the people I know are. Although I have spent the majority of my day cooped up with only the company of my studies, I feel marvelous. It's like God, in an effort to keep me from going insane, keeps sending people into my day. I started my day off by hunting down Kristine in Fremont to watch a regatta, as I've learned it is called. And then later in the middle of my studying I hear knocking at our apartment door, and people coming in and it's my former potential roommate, drunk and loud, fresh from her 23rd birthday celebrations. And let me tell you, she's one of those shouty drunks. "WE ARE GOING TO HANG OUT SOON," she bellowed at me in the hallway. It was closer to a threat than an invitation. Of course, her friends were completely sober and looking around awkwardly. After this I went back to studying, only to be interrupted several hours later by a drunk dial from the always lovely Sarah Biethan.

And see, the thing is, nothing really special happened today--none of these episodes was prolonged or anything. But it was so nice to know that my day wasn't going to be completely studies, and it really just gives me confidence that I can finish this weekend without going insane. And that's good. Anyway, back to the grindstone. I'm gonna see if the carrots in my fridge are still good. Read: my next post will be about the subsequent meeting between my ass and a toilet seat. Maybe I won't try those carrots. Anyway, cheers to all, I hope your Saturday nights are more adventurous than mine is right now (Sarah I know yours is). Night!

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 22:11:57 GMT

The topic for today is "Fun with Spongebathing." In this account we examine the stereotypes that have followed spongebaths for centuries, as well as the steps we can take to ensure that spongebathing, in all its varied forms, is protected in the future.

BRB.

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 20:25:01 GMT

Okay here's the thing about my mom--she's a rockin badass. She dropped off my superman cape today and you know what she included with it? Cupcakes and halloween candy and trail mix. And a halloween card. And--get this, some magazines she thought I would like, including Photography and GQ. How awesome is my mom? She is pretty much the coolest mom ever, and I just thought I should let everyone know. Also, she called me like 10 minutes after she left to ask me excitedly if I had heard that there is a Sweeney Todd movie coming out soon and that Johnny Depp is Sweeney. God I love my mom.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 04:56:31 GMT

It approaches--the first mid-term paper I've had to write in a long time. A whole year, in fact, has passed since last I opened Microsoft Word for a purpose other than to journal my emo or to write first drafts of Facebook messages. It's odd, because every paper that I face presents the same problem, and I never seem to progress past it--how to communicate myself efficiently and smoothly. I imagine it stems from how I talk in class discussions (using, as a stepping stool for this imagining the premise that we write in the same way we talk). I was able, at some point in my life, to conduct myself in a class discussion with some amount of grace. I could say what I observed, felt, analyzed, synthesized, opinionized, whatever. But this year finds me speaking in class with no regard to anything I've ever learned about an English sentence. Are my thoughts becoming more abstract? Or am I just getting stupid? Or perhaps I just don't know how to end my sentences. Each phrase I utter is characterized by many stops, repeated phrases, run-on sentences, incomplete clauses, and a jarring ending, which I usually accentuate with an awkwardly placed verbal ellipsis and an ending salutation such as "The End." I consistently find myself saying something and then following it with "Does that make sense?" Maybe I have just become less confident in what I say in class.

Or maybe this is it: In Women's Studies I am surrounded by people who have either taken numerous other WS classes or are actually experience some manifestation of transgender in their own lives. And in Lighting Design our class discussions are essentially critiques of projects our classmates have done. In either situation, I'm treading on eggshells. In the former, because I know that I know much less about the subject than almost everyone else. In the other, because I don't want to risk offending any of my classmates by not understanding their take on a certain prompt.

Either way, this post has taken quite a turn from where it started.

The reason I have such trouble writing papers is--well, part of it is because I don't take many classes anymore that require writing analytic papers, and so I'm always out of practice. The other part is my desire for perfection in the construction of the paper. I have trouble letting my ideas flow naturally, and always worry about the paper sounding good, which results in a synthetic writing style that reads in a very detached way.

And wow, this has been an incredibly boring post so far. To spice things up, let's see what Conservapedia.com has to say about homosexuality. "What's that?" you exclaim bodaciously, "Conserva-what-ia?" Yes, friends. Exclaim all you want.

http://www.conservapedia.com/Homosexuality

Although part of my soul dies, digs its own grave, descends into Hell, and has a tea party with Satan every time I visit this page, I feel the need to see what people believe. It's very unsettling for me, though, so every time I read a little bit of it, I have to watch an episode of Will and Grace to get the devil off of me.

All right, I'm tired of writing. Here's a list of the freckles on my body that I like the most:

1. Under and to the left of my left nipple. It's inconspicuous, but it's a dandy little thriller.
2. The cute one on top of my left big toe. I didn't notice it until a couple months ago, and I'm definitely fond of it now. I feel like it got lost, and if I don't look after it, it'll jump right off my toe.
3. A few inches directly beneath my belly-button, it looks like a tiny star if you pull the skin right. I know none of you have done that yet, and unless our relationship changes in some odd way, probably never will.
4. The ambiguous one on my lower lip. Always a good dinner partner, never gets boring.

Anyway, here's to your day being excellent!

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 04:21:32 GMT

It's sad, the height to which my bar of success has been set lately. I find myself rejoicing at the most minute victories in my daily life. I almost cheered, for instance, yesterday at Bartell's when the debit card pad informed my that my card had been accepted. "Accepted!" I thought, "How proud I am today!" I grabbed my plastic bag and skipped out of that drugstore, the happiest father alive. Because not every day does one get to witness such a happy affair. And tonight, as I began the last 20-page stretch of my Trans/Gender Queries book, I found myself setting down my book and popping a bottle of wine after I turned one page. "Enough of this work," I said to myself, "Let us celebrate the occassion of this one page." (That same book is now serving as an elbow rest for my left arm.)

Is this healthy? I can only assume so. And look at this! A new post--the time for merry-making is now!

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 01:14:05 GMT

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 09:26:27 GMT

My view from the stage

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 21:16:43 GMT

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 21:14:43 GMT

So pretty much I've just learned how to post pictures from photobucket to here. So...hooray for me!

Tue, 16 May 2006 10:38:30 GMT

3:31
My God, I feel so terrible right now. This paper I'm writing...it is something I would not dare write if I were drunker than...god it's way too late to think of witty metaphors. everything i'm writing for this paper is shit that no respectable sixth grader would write on his "What I Did This Summer" essay. To turn this monotony into a professor is probably the biggest shame i can instill upon myself. As to why i waited so long, it has something to do with registration, an event i did not know happened today until about 12 hours ago. Yes, today. 2.5 hours to be precise. And my paper is due in...i don't know how many hours. And i have a quiz in psychology in between. How did this happen? Now i'm trying to read my english material by the watered-down light of a laptop screen. The birds are chirping. The birds are awake now. God. Dammit. the only thing i have to remotely look forward to in the morning is registering for my classes. Which will be a brief period of relaxation until i begin to face a day that really just needs to end. It hasn't even begun yet, and i just want it to be over. I'm not going to try and do well on the quiz, cause i don't care. I am so filled with apathy, and yes, i am very aware that the apathy is just a defense mechanism, sprung up so i don't have to deal with the guilt that comes after procrastination. I don't even care about this paper anymore, but i haven't read enough stuff to even bullshit my way through. Damn you, broken promises of not procrastinating this quarter. Damn you, essence of procrastination. Damn you, facebook. Damn you....

Edit:
Well it is 4:22 now. I finished my three page paper, and i actually used the phrase "great timeline of poetry." I feel so dirty it sends shivers up and down my spine. Now i have to decide whether i want to sleep for an hour and a half or just screw around on the internet before i register for classes.

Tue, 16 May 2006 05:53:08 GMT

I suppose the first time I ever had an orange soda, I was hooked. It wasn't just the taste, you know, it was the overall attitude I got from the drink. I mean, most carbonated drinks force their fizziness on you. You can take the smallest sip, but it just explodes in your mouth, fills it more than half-full with just air. Then you gotta swallow it, knowing that all it's gonna bring is a huge belch (and an unsatisfactory belch, at that). And that feeling you get from normal Coke or Pepsi, of being raped up the nose with a fuzzy banana, just makes you cringe. But you don't get that from orange soda. Orange soda, incidentally, is the only soda that I'll actually call "soda." Everything else is "pop," but "orange pop" just sounds sorta stupid. Anyway, this stuff is just so gentle and inviting that you can't help but sorta fall in love with it. It doesn't have to be forced down your throat, mostly air bubble with just a little bit of liquid, it just slides down about as easy as you could want. The only problem I have with it is its association in my mind with dentists' flouride. I always got orange-flavored flouride, and after all those years of that shiveringly creamy substance in my mouth, surrounding my teeth and unavoidably attacking my tongue, I can't drink orange cream-flavored drinks without thinking of those days at the dentist's office.

Thu, 04 May 2006 06:43:22 GMT

My last lyrics game I sort of realized that not even I knew most of the songs I had chosen. It's mostly because my library is full of songs that I downloaded on whims, and didn't get around to listening to. So I decided to make a new one--a better one. To make it a good one, I just skipped past all the lame songs in my collection.

1. ~~I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back~~
2. ~~Some people call me the space cowboy~~
3. Come to my house, be one of my family's people
4. ~~If there's anything that you want, if there's anything I can do~~
3. ~~Pushing down on me, pressing down on you no man ask for~~
4. Well I used to wake the morning, before the rooster crowed
5. ~~A pair of new shoes with matching laces~~
6. ~~They sat together in the park~~
7. ~~Night time sharpens, hightens each sensation~~
8. ~~I've done a lot, God knows I've tried~~
9. ~~I've got a cupboard with cans of food, filtered water~~
10. Spend your lazy, endless crazy, days inside my head
11. ~~In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came~~
12. They're gonna put me in the movies
13. Talk about your woman, I wish you could see mine
14. ~~New York City (uh huh), center of the universe~~
15. There are stars in the southern sky
16. ~~Got a good reason for taking the easy way out~~
17. ~~I'm breaking my mother's heart~~
18. ~~Night of the living dead is on its way (second line)~~
19. ~~Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball~~
20. ~~Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight~~

In other news, Tommy is an amazing show. Despite its low focus on plot or theme, it is a really cool performance to watch. I actually sort of like its lack of theme, though. It goes to show that even if you have no major lesson to teach the audience, and no life-striking theme of huge importance to impart to younger generations, you can still write a show that gets people excited. It doesn't exist to change the world, but just to entertain. It shows you that things with no point can be fun, basically. I mean, there doesn't have to be a point to everything to enjoy it. Which I guess borders on vague existentialism, but the issue isn't that we are pondering why something exist. Just that even if you have no aim or goal, you can still enjoy the mere fact of being.

Hm, okay then. That's enough of that for now.

Anyway, I am looking forward to summer very much. I am really looking forward to it. I can't focus on school work anymore; it's all just sort of fading to the background. It takes second place to much more important activities, such as laying in the quad and getting sunburned. Basically, I'm spending my time being lazy and unproductive. But it feels so good. Not having any specific activity or goal in mind is a wonderful thing on a spring day. However, it is not helpful when school still has five more weeks of existence before it finally ends. Five more weeks--it seems to have passed very quickly, yet it still feels like a long way off before the end of the year. Pretty much like the end of senior year. I don’t know where the time goes though. It’s all going very fast. But I am looking forward to seeing Carrie and Joe again soon. God, I can’t even write a coherent paragraph though. My mind keeps wandering to random things. So I will leave this for now and come back when I can string sentences together like a normal person.

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 23:43:30 GMT

Look, I'm updating!

It's interesting how some people approach updating. For some it is a very monumental thing to post. They do not post every day, but only for things of great importance. These people treat it as something to do to inform the world of certain significant events in their lives, such as marriage, or buying your first car, or rediscovering your personal love for tuna-fish sandwiches. Other people treat it much more casually, as if it were more of a log of the running commentary in their mind. The latter tend to contain many mentions of what the person ate recently, or whether or not the person has had a bowel movement today. At times, they might urge other frequent updaters to give them a call. Some people choose to simply write whatever comes to their mind, very aware of the fact that they have nothing truly urgent to say. They point out very freely that they don't really have any specific event they want to write about.

What other types of updaters are there? I don't know. I might ponder it, but I really have to pee, and my attention in this is waning.

Or is it waxing? Buh buh buhm......

A serious update now--the lyrics game

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 06:23:16 GMT

1. ~~My best friend had a little situation at the end of her senior year~~
2. Come on and dance. Come on and dance. Let's make some romance.
3. ~~6 AM The clock is ringing~~
4. Got a feeling inside, it's a certain kind.
5. ~~Hey Janet...~~
6. ~~They say that this youth has set my Lady's heart aflame~~
7. Down in the streets outside of Washington, DC
8. Shaves in the dark trying to save paper
9. Take me as I am, put your hand in mine
10. You don't realize how much I need you
11. A little bunny in a meadow is nibbling grass without a care
12. Baby, we was making straight As
13. Don't care about a thing today
14. You'll always miss my big old body
15. He is our hero!
16. Opened my eyes had a dream last night that both my arms were broken
17. They're gonna put me in the movies
18. It's a gettin' closer
19. He wakes up in the morning
20. ~~An address to the golden door~~

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 05:51:45 GMT

And before I knew it, I was sucked into an amazing, crazed time at the factory. No ordinary factory was this--this was something a person had never seen before. Did I mention how I got to be in the situation which led to being brought to the factory? I should, lest this story seem fragmented and jumpy. And startled! My goodness, this will be a startled-sounding story, as I can't even focus on what I want to say. I feel like the young fellow in Holden Caulfield's public speaking class, who couldn't stay on one topic, and was severely chastised for it. But yes, startled is a good way to describe this story, because I myself could not go a moment, at the time, without feeling like I was able to relax. I was constantly met with something new and bewildering, and my parasympathetic nervous system never had any reason to kick in. A very strange feeling, I should say. Very strange.

But the situation! The situation which led me to my second situation which led me to my current state--a state of confused, excited, and apprehensive excitement. Yes, excited excitement. Excitement which so vibrantly exists in your blood and in your heart and in your throat that its very nature demands such an adjective, demands that its own noun-state be intesified by further adjectivication. Unbearable, really, it's unbearable, yet so life-lifting. It modifies my experiences in this matter even more, magnifies the extent to which I am impressed.

I'm not being clear though. I was sitting in my room. I don't need to point out the obvious contrast between this calm and mundane activity and the adventure on which I was about to embark. I had just taken a shower. I dried off quickly that morning. Though it was a hot and steamy shower, the water jumped off of me in droplets as big as when it had arrived on my skin. Evaporation had gone on vacation apparently, replaced by a much more efficient phase of the water cycle. I stepped over the ridge of the shower, or, as the self-help book I received for Christmas would put it, I "asserted my will over that of the shower stall, and we reached the realization that my life was simply better lived if I were to step over that particular ridge." I don't know why anyone would give me such a book for Christmas, as it seems rather rude to give someone a gift like that. It's implying something, I can tell. I'm not quite stupid, you know.

But I am bored now, and my attention span has died off and left me wondering where I started this story. Perhaps I will sometime pick up where I left off and everyone will know everything. Including me, and including the answers to the question of life. Respectively.

And now for something completely different

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 07:34:46 GMT

I'm sitting here in the lounge, writing my English paper on The Bell Jar, and I thought i would, just as a lark, write a long, extensive livejournal post. I really feel that there are not enough of those. Too often are people tempted to simply write one sentence or two, a brief open-shut door into their day. It's like if you were to invite someone onto your front step and lead them on to a conversation, and then suddenly back abruptly into your house. You don't slam the door, you just sort of close it naturally, as if you didn't really expect anything more from the exchange of words. It's a funny thing.
So anyway, I thought i would write a very long and (as I already said) extensive post. So here it is.

And after an introductory phrase like that, my mind just sort of stops. I mean, what can i say after writing "Here it is"? How am I supposed to react to that? Which, if you think about, is a funny notion--that of reacting to yourself, because it seems to imply that we don't already know what we are going to do. If we did know what we're going to do, we should have a ready response to it. But to not know how to react to what we ourselves said is sort implying--

And i'm going in circles. I tend to do that when I'm writing. And if this were my english paper, i would have finished the roundabout sentence and then just edited it later. But, this is not my english paper. This is like a conversation I'm having with myself.
Honestly, sometimes i think i could have a radio show in which i just ramble on and on and on for hours, not really talking about anything. I bet I could do it too. I wouldn't even need a starting prompt, i could just talk about my day, and what the day makes me think of. Man, it would not end, i bet. It would not end for all the tea in china. I'm serious too. You could offer me all that tea (i mean, i don't even like tea, so what am i saying, but, you know, it's for the sake of the argument), and i would just be like, no thank you sir (or ma'am), i do not want this tea, i will not end my rambling. And I would continue to ramble on.

What a shame, isn't it? That all this writing energy is going into something that isn't really necessary? As opposed to something that is truly important in my life, that will really affect and change my life--my English 111 paper. How conflicting for me.

Don't you always feel sort of down when you delete something? Whatever the motive is, any deletion. Like when you update a livejournal, and then you realize you have to delete something. I mean, i always feel sort of ashamed that I am obviously not comfortable with whatever i deleted. It came from me, didn't it? So why should i feel the need to delete it? Well, i don't know, but it makes me feel down that i should feel restrained in any way from writing what's on my mind. They list on the home page that one of the benefits of livejournal is you can be yourself. But don't you think that in any situation there's going to be be careful gauging of the release of something like that? I mean, your self doesn't just leap onto the world and rape it. It sort of gently caresses it and sees how far it can go, it's like a nervous teenager on a first date. Or, I don't know, depending on who you are, your self might rape the world. That's for you to gauge, i guess.

My body odor has gotten stronger over the past few days. I thought i had it beat with Old Spice bodywash, but it seems to have responded by developing a stronger strain of itself. Is that even possible? I think my sweat has become soap-resistant. It persists. Maybe I will stop using deoderant for a day, maybe that decrease my sweat's resistance. Or I could just change my shirts more often, but that results in a whole lot of extra laundry. Dammit, i have laundry down there right now. I should go get it, i hope no one stole my jeans. do you realize this is completely trivial information? I mean, i'm talking about my jeans here, but I keep writing. I don't know why, it's not like my jeans are an exactly pressing matter on my mind right now. Maybe whenever there are pressing things though, i respond with long rants about trivial things, just to relax my brain. That's probably true.

Wow, that was sort of arrogant of me. I mean, to assume that what i was pondering was just plain true, that's sort of presumptuous. But i suppose it doesn't really matter, since i'm not trying to apply that truth to anyone else's mind, only my own. Nor am i presenting it to a wide community of people ruminating on the same idea, so it's pretty much my territory right now. That's right, i pretty much own this idea. I'm quite serious.

I remmeber when I was always serious. One time in elementary school, I was arguing in a class discussion over how a quart of milk was equal to one fourth a gallon. "A quart!" I insisted. "As in, a quarter? As in, a fourth of one dollar? Don't you GET IT? I mean, GOD! It's so obvious!" I was very passionate about the subject of fractions. The moment got very tense as the teacher calmed me down, and my rival, the class clown, chuckled to himself. I stared stonily at him across the room, and he grinned cheshire cat-like at me and warned me, "Don't smile, Jeff, you might crack your face..." This had disastrous effects on my immediate mood, as I quickly realized I was on the receiving end of a harsh critique of my serious personality. I bent my head quietly and deepened my frown. I didn't start crying, but I did get something in my eye at that precise moment, so i tried really hard to get it out, and as a result my tear ducts sort of started going, purely coincidentally. It wasn't really crying though. Anyway, then the teacher made my rival write me a letter apologizing to me for making me cry. Because when you finish crying, the thing you want most is to have a letter publicly presented to you announcing the fact that you were indeed crying in front of all your classmates. As if it wasn't obvious enough.
Now, this was back in the day when it was a big deal if i said the words, "Shut" and "up." usually together, that's when they had the most effect. Sometimes I said them separately though, and people were equally surprised, for no particular reason.

God, you know what I love? That mentos commercial with all the birds singing and quacking. It goes on for like 10 minutes, literally, like 10 minutes and it just is so cool. It starts out real slow-like with that basic rhythm part, and then all the penguins and geese get going, and the woodpecker, and they're all adding their part to it. It's just really amazing, you know? It's one of those artistic commericals that you just sorta regret had to be used for materialistic purposes. You respect it on one level, and then remember your own opposition to the capitalist claptrap it stands for. Why is so much stuff like that? It could be something good, but it ruins itself by existing in that climate. What the hell?

You know what I have mixed feelings on? South Park. The political and social commentary is refreshingly honest at times, and it's nice to see some pair of guys so able to express their views in a novel way. But at other times i just get tired of it's mentality that the world is crazy and only little elementary kids are wise enough to cause change in the world. I mean, hell, i've lived more than any elementary school kid. I probably have gone through enough stuff to develop a healthy sense of irony and a humorous sense of generation-appropriate bitterness. I can be bitter towards society too, you know. I mean, it's not hard. I could do it if I wanted to. I'm sure I could.

Why am I thinking so hard about that? I mean, I know i could be bitter, if i wanted. I just don't want to. Why am I spending so much time thinking about that? Well, I guess...i--maybe i couldn't be bitter. Yeah, probably not too much. I don't know.

Anyways, South Park. Sometimes it just gets old. i mean, each episode, you know they're just gonna come up with some current social theme and make fun of it, and then come up with their own perfect solution to it in the end, which most of society won't even recognize, so it's pretty much pointless.

There, see, i can be bitter too. I just proved myself to the world.

Anyway, I hope that everyone understands that a lot of what I wrote here today wasn't exactly me talking. I hope that's clear. It was mostly me rambling, and when I ramble, sometimes i lose myself. I'll occassionally pick up something completely different and use it as a passage for my rambling. If that makes sense.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 08:23:19 GMT

Well, I have 3 and a half pages of ponderings written down, and I have the basic outline for what topics I'm going to address, and I think that's good enough for tonight. Tomorrow, after my Genomes final, which will go splendidly, I believe, I will return to my English paper and finish writing what I am pretty sure will be an excellent paper. For some reason, I have a very good feeling about all this. Also, I will study for BioPsych. Let's not go there yet though. I have enough academia to deal with for now. But now...I must go to bed, as I am le tired, and need to take a nap.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 02:53:54 GMT

6:04
Just now, I began the actualy writing of my English paper relating Invisible Monsters to Freud's crazy idea about "the Uncanny." I am hoping that by interspersing my spurts of creativity with descriptions of my mundane day, I will be able to write this paper with as little stress as possible. First of all, though, I have to say that I'm a little bummed that I chose Invisible Monsters to write on. The benefits of choosing it are that I've already read it (and so have already saved time) and that it occasionally does have a Freudian theme or two within all its amazingness. The cons are that I feel sort of bad, having only read this book once, and already raping its potential with the application of such narrow-minded ideas. Well, maybe not completely narrow-minded--but it does seem like relating this book to Freud severely limits the meaning of it to me. There's so much in this book that I really liked, it seems a shame to force it into Freudian terminology. I'll admit, though, it is interesting sometimes to see the ways in which it relates to what we're learning in class. For example, the destruction of the main character's face could be seen as her own personal castration. My paper will also have some respite in that I can debunk any Freudian themes that don't really apply to the book. In conclusion, it really won't be that bad.

I think I am going to keep this browser open, and I will periodically update with random things when I need to take a break from writing. So by the time this post is over, it will probably be really long and contain many repeated statements, such as "Why did I procrastinate this long?", "this paper stinks," "I've finally found my groove," and, of course, "Freud is such a vagina."
And so concludes this passage of the post.

6:16
It bugs me so much when I realize that a paper could be really fun to write if I had only started earlier. And then I can't do it justice, because I don't have enough time. I suppose I'm just learning that procrastination actually is a bad thing. That's not just something my parents tell me. Sometimes I wish teachers would assign something to be due on a certain day, and then tell you on that day that it's actually due a week later. I would be so happy if, upon turning in my paper, my TA told me that it's actually due next Monday.

In other news, I am launching a personal crusade against the hiding or covering up of anything. Really, I'm trying to destroy the repression of any natural thing. And on a similar subject, for anyone who's wondering, sometimes you have to stop worrying and go do whatever's been worrying you, cause usually things turn out fine.

Also, I've noticed I've become increasingly publicly philosophical lately. I don't know what spurs it on, it just sort of all comes out at times.
6:32 now. I am now burning Sarah a copy of the 1994 Rent workshop, wich has at least two new songs that are actually pretty good. Then there's that annoying one that Benny sings. Good Lord....Sarah, you will know it when you hear it.

Well, I don't really want to return to my paper quite yet. But I do already have a page of ponderings written. Usually, in the finished paper, about half of what I wrote in pondering actually stays around.

It is now 6:54. I am going to grab some dinner and then either continue with a study break, or force myself to get back to the paper.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 04:21:01 GMT

Instead of studying for my finals, or memorizing music, this is what I do:

You scored as Emo. Your Totaly Emo!

</td>

Emo

35%

Trendy

25%

Prepy

25%

Goth

15%

Rocker, Mosher

10%

Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev

Skater

What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy E.c.t
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Christianity. Your views are most similar to those of Christianity. Do more research on Christianity and possibly consider being baptized and accepting Jesus, if you aren't already Christian.

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up.

</td>

Peter Pan

94%

Goofy

75%

Sleeping Beauty

75%

Ariel

69%

Pinocchio

69%

The Beast

63%

Cruella De Ville

50%

Snow White

44%

Donald Duck

31%

Cinderella

31%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Jean Grey. Jean Grey is likely the most powerful X-Man. She loves Cyclops very much but she has a soft spot for Wolverine. She's psychic so she can sense how others are feeling and tries to help them. She also has to control her amazing powers or the malevolent Phoenix entity could take control of her and wreak havok. Powers: Telekinetic, Telepathic

</td>

Jean Grey

85%

Nightcrawler

75%

Gambit

75%

Iceman

70%

Emma Frost

70%

Colossus

65%

Storm

55%

Beast

55%

Cyclops

50%

Wolverine

40%

Rogue

35%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as American Eagle Outfitters. You are American Eagle Outfitters. You are preppy, but also like some vintage clothes. Your clothes are usually original.

</td>

American Eagle Outfitters

83%

Hollister Co.

50%

PacSun

29%

Abercrombie & Fitch

25%

Gucci

25%

Juicy Couture

21%

Louis Vuitton

21%

Prada

13%

WHiCH CL0THES ST0RE//BRAND ARE Y0U??
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as The Joker. You're the Clown Prince of Crime, the Harlequin of Hate. You're THE JOKER! You're intelligent, twisted, dark, and a bit of a prankster. Electric hand-buzzers of doom, razor-sharp playing cards, and laughing gas all make up your comical inventory of weapons. You're the infamous villain, the stalker of Gotham!

</td>

The Joker

80%

Scarecrow

75%

The Riddler

70%

Poison Ivy

60%

Catwoman

55%

Penguin

50%

Two Face

50%

Mr. Freeze

25%

Which Batman Villain Are You Most Like?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Mark. You're Mark! One of the few cast members without AIDS, you're an aspiring filmmaker and electrician struggling to make your peace with your ex, Maureen, who's recently realized she's a lesbian.

</td>

Mark

60%

Roger

50%

Maureen

45%

Angel

40%

Mimi

10%

Benny

Which Rent Character Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Avenue Q. You are Avenue Q! Many of your stars are adorable puppets who reveal the truth about life, love, and Republicans. You are very liberal and very diverse, though you believe that "everyone is a little bit racist." Although some may never find it, you believe that everyone has a purpose in life.

</td>

Avenue Q

80%

Hairspray

75%

Rent

65%

The Lion King

60%

The Producers

45%

Wicked

35%

The Phantom of the Opera

25%

Beauty and the Beast

25%

What current Broadway musical are you??
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as La Vie Boheme. Your La Vie Boheme. You love to have fun and be wild and crazy no matter where you are. You make any situation a plesent one.

</td>

La Vie Boheme

95%

I'll Cover You

80%

One Song, Glory

50%

Another Day

40%

Out Tonight

35%

Contact

20%

Which Rent Song Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com